I’ve heard people
say marriage is hard, but mostly all I noticed during the many years I was
single was that marriage looked pretty fun. There were the double dates,
constant companionship, and vacations together. People mentioned it was hard but
I never really knew what that meant…until now.
Next week I celebrate my
one-year anniversary with my dashing husband Ryan and it’s been the best year!
I’ve learned a lot in the last year; things I could have only learned in
marriage. Things you learn when you share one space with another who can push
your buttons like no other. Or when you’re house hunting and finding the middle
ground can be a challenge. Or when you’re balancing your checkbook
together.
Here are eight valuable lessons I’ve learned in my first year
of marriage:
1. Communicate, communicate,
communicate
My husband and I are in the middle of buying our first home.
At first, it was exciting as we dreamed about a place to make our own, settle
into for a while, and start our family. But now, four months later and no end in
sight, it has become the largest source of conflict in our marriage thus
far.
What we’ve learned in this particular journey is that communication
is key. It’s not safe to assume your spouse can read your mind or has picked up
on your subtle remarks. I cannot stress enough how important it is to be clear
in your expectations, hopes, and doubts. I think for women especially, we fail
to be a hundred percent clear because we believe our husband is picking up on
everything we say. Or, we say one thing and mean the other because we want them
to draw in. However, this isn’t fair to our spouse nor is it healthy. Always be
transparent and communicate even when you think you don’t need to–it will save
you a lot of trouble down the road.
2. Learn how to deal with
conflict
Avoiding conflict is easily one of the worst things you can do
in your relationship with anybody. It breeds bitterness, contempt, and
frustration that will only hurt your marriage. I used to avoid conflict like the
plague because I was scared of how the person would react. But then I realized
conflict is beneficial if done properly.
Approach any conflict with a
willing ear, focus on the core issue, and follow the SET formula developed by
Jerold Kreisman, M.D. It stands for Support, Empathy, and Truth, and provides a
guideline in handling conflict. Essentially, first let your spouse know you are
there for them, then relate to their feeling, and finally, you can share your
truth. Learn how to do this well and your marriage will be much
healthier!
3. Go the extra mile
When we were first married I
wanted to go above and beyond in being the good wife. I’d make Ryan breakfast
every morning, have dinner cooking and the candles lit when he got home, and
found every possible way to serve him. But then the honeymoon phase started to
fade and I began serving him less.
You may work 8-5 every day and feel
too exhausted to go the extra mile for your spouse, but never stop serving them.
It’s the little things in life that make your significant other feel special and
loved. Plan a special date, make them dinner, leave a note–always be thinking
about how you can make your spouse feel cared for.
4. Both eyes on the
finances
One of the common conflicts in marriage is finances; in many
cases, there is one spouse that ends of carrying most of the burden. That person
balances the checkbook, makes sure all the bills are paid on time, and watches
the expenses. In fact, they often have to keep the other spouse “in line” when
it comes to their spending.
Ryan and I were both single for a long time
and we each learned to be financially responsible, however, when we got married
I let this task default to Ryan. I learned pretty quickly it was important to
Ryan and our marriage that we share in managing our finances. Don’t neglect to
go through your family budget together on a regular basis so that both are on
the same page; it’s a large and unnecessary burden for one spouse to feel like
they always have to carry alone.
5. Support each other’s dreams in
every season
I have some big dreams and Ryan has always been my greatest
cheerleader. It means the world to me that he always looks for ways to encourage
and sharpen me in my pursuit of the calling on my life. When he does this, it’s
always when I feel the most loved.
When two people decide to become one,
dreams are adopted. Embrace the dreams (and the accompanying sacrifices) of your
spouse! There will be days in the valley and days on top of a mountain so live
by Romans 12:15 to “rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.”
In both, you will draw closer together.
6. Value all forms of
intimacy
There are four forms of intimacy and all are equally important,
although for each spouse there will be one or a few that they place the most
value on. It’s necessary to connect spiritually, mentally, sexually, and
emotionally to experience those most powerful moments of intimacy.
You
may value emotional intimacy most, but your spouse may value mental more than
the others. Place a high importance on ensuring they connect with you on the
level they value most. Never neglect one of these connections, but do learn
what’s most important to your spouse and meet them there.
7. Don’t fix
your spouse
I’m a fixer by nature and sometimes that can be a bad thing.
For instance, it’s not your job to make sure your spouse is praying, or
responsible, or is where you think they should be. Here’s a very important piece
of advice for you: love your spouse and pray for them. Beyond that, let God do
the work. You might feel the need to send them sermons and account for their
time with the Lord. Or maybe you think it’s your job to make sure they stay on
task at home. Don’t set out to “fix” your spouse, but pray Scripture over them
and allow God to speak to their hearts. It’s your job to be their teammate, not
their coach.
8. Ask God to help you every single day
Marriage
is hard and I know I need God every day to be the spouse I believe my husband
deserves. There are days you will be frustrated and it will be hard to like your
spouse. Sometimes you’ll want to put yourself before them. You might feel too
tired at the end of the day to serve. It’s for these very reasons and many more
you and I need God’s help to truly be there for the person we love.
Each
day make a point to invite God into your marriage, ask for His help, and pray
that you can be selfless. Putting another before yourself is perhaps one of the
hardest things a person can do, but remember what Philippians 4:3-4 says about
this. Because it’s hard you’ll need God’s help, so ask for it and rely on Him to
be the best spouse you can be.
[written by Brittany Rust, a writer
and speaker]
