As written by Tunde Odesola;
Scene I
It’s the zero
hour. Nobody slept all night. Everything is set for the war. Commanders
are busy, surreptitiously dispatching orders and supplies to the
frontlines.
The night before the war is the most crucial night.
It’s the night before the dawn of victory or the groan of defeat. It’s
also the night treachery wears the cloak of loyalty, clinging tightly to
the battledress of the commander-in-chief, with eyes glazed on the
treasury chest. What a night!
also the night treachery wears the cloak of loyalty, clinging tightly to
the battledress of the commander-in-chief, with eyes glazed on the
treasury chest. What a night!
Today, the sun, wary of the task ahead, stirred slowly in the East.
But it is screened off by the green canopies of the bended boughs of the
baobabs, mahoganies, irokos, palms and sycamores in the thick forests
of Ekiti. Hot and cold water cascade down the hills of Ikogosi. Even the
cock knows it’s not yet time to announce the break of a new day. The
wards are secretly awake, though the world is still asleep. Men are at
work as the clock tick-tocks.
National anthem:
Nigeria’s call obey
To serve our fatherland…
Continuity announcer: I
say a very good morning to you, our cherished listeners, out there.
This is Ekiti Kete Broadcasting Service, transmitting on Frequency 41.9.
I welcome you to our first programme of the day, “Ekiti Decides.” As
you all know, 35 candidates are set to slug it out in today’s
governorship election. I’ll take you right into our studio where our
indefatigable politics editor, Dimeji Ologbenla, is waiting. Over to
you, Dimeji.
say a very good morning to you, our cherished listeners, out there.
This is Ekiti Kete Broadcasting Service, transmitting on Frequency 41.9.
I welcome you to our first programme of the day, “Ekiti Decides.” As
you all know, 35 candidates are set to slug it out in today’s
governorship election. I’ll take you right into our studio where our
indefatigable politics editor, Dimeji Ologbenla, is waiting. Over to
you, Dimeji.
Ologbenla: Thank
you, Wale Aberuagba. Good morning, Nigeria. You’re welcome to another
edition of your incisive programme, “Ekiti Decides.” Today, we shall be
analysing the election results as they trickle in from the 177 wards of
the 2, 185 polling units in the 16 Local Government Councils of the
state. The total number of registered voters for this election is
913,334 but only 630,000 voters have their PVCs in readiness for this
landmark election. I have with me in the studio Comrade Tunji Aduroja,
Alhaji Mukaila Ehinola, Apostle Jesusegun Olorunjeda, and an Ifa
worshipper, Baba Ifaleke Famoriyo. Your opinions, gentlemen.
you, Wale Aberuagba. Good morning, Nigeria. You’re welcome to another
edition of your incisive programme, “Ekiti Decides.” Today, we shall be
analysing the election results as they trickle in from the 177 wards of
the 2, 185 polling units in the 16 Local Government Councils of the
state. The total number of registered voters for this election is
913,334 but only 630,000 voters have their PVCs in readiness for this
landmark election. I have with me in the studio Comrade Tunji Aduroja,
Alhaji Mukaila Ehinola, Apostle Jesusegun Olorunjeda, and an Ifa
worshipper, Baba Ifaleke Famoriyo. Your opinions, gentlemen.
Apostle: Sincerely,
I think the wave of defections within the ruling party is going to
affect the outcome of the election. Elections are won by people and not
stones. When you have key people defecting from your party, the end
result won’t be palatable.
I think the wave of defections within the ruling party is going to
affect the outcome of the election. Elections are won by people and not
stones. When you have key people defecting from your party, the end
result won’t be palatable.
Comrade: The
power of incumbency will play a major role. Remember, Nigerian politics
still feeds fat on violence. Any of the party that controls the
mechanisms of violence will have an edge.
power of incumbency will play a major role. Remember, Nigerian politics
still feeds fat on violence. Any of the party that controls the
mechanisms of violence will have an edge.
Alhaji: Money
will play a deciding factor in this election. Ekiti civil servants are
hungry; they’re being owed several months of salary arrears. Anybody who
dangles the carrot will have their votes. The fatter your carrot, the
higher your votes.
will play a deciding factor in this election. Ekiti civil servants are
hungry; they’re being owed several months of salary arrears. Anybody who
dangles the carrot will have their votes. The fatter your carrot, the
higher your votes.
Famoriyo: There’s
no sincerity among our political class. The skirt and blouse are of the
same fabric. Ifa hates deceit. Ekiti must vote wisely.
no sincerity among our political class. The skirt and blouse are of the
same fabric. Ifa hates deceit. Ekiti must vote wisely.
Ologbenla: Gentlemen, let me link up with our correspondents out there to have a feel of the field…
PHCN strikes. Programme goes off air.
ENDS
Scene II
Government House, Ado-Ekiti
Peter Rock: Hello, Blahlah! Hello! How far? Is that the sound of victory I’m hearing in the background? (Smiles)
Blahlah Yes, Your Excellency.
Peter Rock: Jehovah
seun, Thank God! The Lord God of Host showed Himself to me thrice in a
trance this morning. He said, “Peter, after installing your anointed,
you’re going to Aso Rock as vice-president.”
seun, Thank God! The Lord God of Host showed Himself to me thrice in a
trance this morning. He said, “Peter, after installing your anointed,
you’re going to Aso Rock as vice-president.”
Blahlah: Ha, no sir, Your Excellency! It wasn’t God that you saw, Sir. The victory sound here is from the camp of the Apola Party, Sir.
Peter Rock: W-h-a-a-a-a-t! Kilo sele? Didn’t you distribute the N250m within the LG?
Blahlah: I did,
Sir, but the Apola Party are stoning people here with money ni o. The
party is even giving money to people who have no voter cards.
Sir, but the Apola Party are stoning people here with money ni o. The
party is even giving money to people who have no voter cards.
Peter Rock: Are you saying 16-0 has won in that LG, Blahlah?
Blahlah: He has
won o. People were complaining that you didn’t pay workers’ salaries
arrears, yet you raised money to bribe voters in the election.
won o. People were complaining that you didn’t pay workers’ salaries
arrears, yet you raised money to bribe voters in the election.
Peter Rock: I’ll
deal with them, they’re stupid! Wait, Blahlah, let me pick this call
from Hitler. Don’t cut it o, just hang on…“Yes, Hitler, what’s the
situation report in your LG, I can sense you’re excited. How did we
crush them?
deal with them, they’re stupid! Wait, Blahlah, let me pick this call
from Hitler. Don’t cut it o, just hang on…“Yes, Hitler, what’s the
situation report in your LG, I can sense you’re excited. How did we
crush them?
Hitler: I’m not
excited, Sir. I’m breathing heavily ni, Sir. I was hotly pursued by
voters. When they received minty N5,000 each from Johnny, they came
after me, saying if Johnny who’s not a governor could give N5,000, Apata
Ayeraye should be able to give more. They caught Eyin-Ejo, Sandpaper
and Petrol and beat them to a pulp. They broke their necks and hands.
They too now need neck braces and slings, they too are touching their
heads and weeping like infants denied breast milk.
excited, Sir. I’m breathing heavily ni, Sir. I was hotly pursued by
voters. When they received minty N5,000 each from Johnny, they came
after me, saying if Johnny who’s not a governor could give N5,000, Apata
Ayeraye should be able to give more. They caught Eyin-Ejo, Sandpaper
and Petrol and beat them to a pulp. They broke their necks and hands.
They too now need neck braces and slings, they too are touching their
heads and weeping like infants denied breast milk.
Peter Rock: Shut
up, there, you idiot! Did you see tears in my eyes when I put my hand
to my head like Roger Milla? (He terminates the calls)
up, there, you idiot! Did you see tears in my eyes when I put my hand
to my head like Roger Milla? (He terminates the calls)
(Dials) Sola! S-o-o-o-l-a!
Sola: Sir, Your Excellency!
Peter Rock: Where’re
you!? Ehn…!? Toilet…!? Stooling!? What pressure have you seen that’s
making you stool!? Drive down to my quarters immediately!!
you!? Ehn…!? Toilet…!? Stooling!? What pressure have you seen that’s
making you stool!? Drive down to my quarters immediately!!
ENDS
Johnny Walker Campaign Office
Johnny and Apola Party leaders sit round a large table, monitoring the election on TV.
Johnny: (Cleans his eyeglasses repeatedly and wipes sweat from his brow. His phone rings) Hello, Your Excellency!
Excellency: How far, Johnny?
Johnny: The air, land and sea bombardment seems to be working, Sir.
Excellency: I
told you it would work. You don’t punch the mosquito that perches on the
scrotum. They were foolish in the way they conducted their own rigging
in 2014. Walahi, nobody can trace this election to Abuja. His
arrogance and quarrelling with the leaders of his party did enough
damage. The teargassing by security agencies three days ago was enough
to break them. The money bombardment was the killing shot. I have fought
many wars in my life, Johnny. We’ll move to Osun next. Congratulations!
told you it would work. You don’t punch the mosquito that perches on the
scrotum. They were foolish in the way they conducted their own rigging
in 2014. Walahi, nobody can trace this election to Abuja. His
arrogance and quarrelling with the leaders of his party did enough
damage. The teargassing by security agencies three days ago was enough
to break them. The money bombardment was the killing shot. I have fought
many wars in my life, Johnny. We’ll move to Osun next. Congratulations!
Johnny: Thank you, sir. Peter doesn’t know I’ve learnt how to crush all manner of rocks at the solid mineral ministry.
Excellency: You
must move closer to the people now, and stop blowing big grammar. I
have Jolly and Joshua as ex-governors from the North serving jail
sentences. Someone from the South-West will serve his jail term in
Abeokuta. I’m looking for ex-governors and senators from the South–East and South-South to balance the equation.
must move closer to the people now, and stop blowing big grammar. I
have Jolly and Joshua as ex-governors from the North serving jail
sentences. Someone from the South-West will serve his jail term in
Abeokuta. I’m looking for ex-governors and senators from the South–East and South-South to balance the equation.
Johnny: Why Abeokuta, sir?
Excellency: Yowa!
I think he calls himself ‘The Rock’, and Olumo Rock is in Abeokuta; let
his rock go and jam Olumo Rock and let’s see the one that will scatter.
I think he calls himself ‘The Rock’, and Olumo Rock is in Abeokuta; let
his rock go and jam Olumo Rock and let’s see the one that will scatter.
ENDS
Epilogue
Morning after the election
Peter Rock: (Calling,
panicky) Hello, my national leader, I’ve been trying to reach you since
yesterday, Sir. I called madam, her line was unavailable. I called
Ogbeni, my friend and ex-schoolmate at The Poly, he said he would help
me appeal to you to appeal to His Excellency…
panicky) Hello, my national leader, I’ve been trying to reach you since
yesterday, Sir. I called madam, her line was unavailable. I called
Ogbeni, my friend and ex-schoolmate at The Poly, he said he would help
me appeal to you to appeal to His Excellency…
Bourdillon: R.A.
spoke to me, Peteru… But I warned you, it’s always best to keep your
words soft and sweet, you might never know when you have to eat them. If
death kills the cautious chameleon, what won’t it do to the moth that
stalks naked flame? You went too far…, but I won’t leave you to the
wolves. Why did you announce your own election result? That was
irresponsible. Well, I’ve sent my security to come and pick you. They’re
at the Ekiti Government House. Are you there?
spoke to me, Peteru… But I warned you, it’s always best to keep your
words soft and sweet, you might never know when you have to eat them. If
death kills the cautious chameleon, what won’t it do to the moth that
stalks naked flame? You went too far…, but I won’t leave you to the
wolves. Why did you announce your own election result? That was
irresponsible. Well, I’ve sent my security to come and pick you. They’re
at the Ekiti Government House. Are you there?
Peter: No, Sir.
I’m just entering Cotonou. I disguised like a herdsmen and escaped out
of Ado immediately after the election. I had to keep calling you to give
the impression that I’m still in the country. Buhari for skin me live!
I’m just entering Cotonou. I disguised like a herdsmen and escaped out
of Ado immediately after the election. I had to keep calling you to give
the impression that I’m still in the country. Buhari for skin me live!
