time you had a fight, slept in separate bedrooms and had fantasies/fears that
your marriage was over?
Thankfully, we’ve all been there and couples
must learn how to pull out of these kinds of tailspins. Here is the counsel I
gave a couple in similar situation.
the fire. There is a time when you need to leave well enough alone. When tired
we don’t do our best thinking. When our emotions are frayed, we don’t reason
clearly or well. Let the situation settle.
Second, step back to
examine the problems.
perspective when our emotions are high. We must not only leave well enough
alone, but must step back to reflect on the problem.
Third, quickly
own your part in the problems.
is little value in focusing on what your mate has done wrong. Focus instead on
your side of the street.
Scripture makes it clear we are not to judge or
blame others. “You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone
else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself,
because you who pass judgment do the same things” (Romans
2:1).
Fourth, listen to your mate for where/how they are
wounded.
course they may not receive that healing immediately, at some point they will be
receptive to you owning your mistakes and offering to listen to them. They will,
if done correctly, receive your apology and offer for
connection.
Finally, agree to grow from the problems going
forward.
happening, own your part and agree to do better next time. Hope is the great
elixir to a broken and wounded heart. Offer it to your mate.
They couple
came to the next day’s session wounded but ready to learn and grow. In a short
time they had talked out what had happened, why it happened and what they would
do better next time. The same can happen for you.
[written by Dr.
David B. Hawkins]
