10 Things You Should Never Say To Your Husband

1. I’m fine. 
If there’s a single phrase that can
kill intimacy in an instant, it’s this one. This deathly two-word statement
communicates a number of things to our husbands:

• I can’t trust you enough to be honest.
• You probably wouldn’t understand how I feel.
• You should already know what I’m thinking and it’s not worth the time to
  explain.

Being honest with our partners can be scary sometimes, but
the reward of healthy intimacy is much greater than the risk.

“Do not
lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its
practices.”(Colossians 3:9)

2. Whatever. 
Recent studies
suggest that the “nagging wife, checked-out husband” cycle may not be the
biggest threat to a relationship. Researchers are currently considering the ways
wives are using the silent treatment.

The effect can be debilitating.
Marital satisfaction is low in couples with an angry, silent wife – even more so
than those who hash out problems heatedly, then return to business as usual. A
cold shoulder is perhaps the most dangerous kind of avoidance.

“Do
nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant
than yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3)

3. Forget it, I’ll just do
it. 
No phrase speaks to haste and superiority like this one. For any
wife who’s slipped into “go mode,” this one has probably come up. The mindset
assumes that our husbands are incapable or that different is bad. When control
and over-functioning becomes the norm, our partners won’t be likely to offer
help in the future.

“We ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge
those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish
you. Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work…” (1
Thessalonians 5:12-13)

4. Calm down. 
You shouldn’t feel like
that. I can’t handle your emotions. This conversation will happen on my terms.
Those are the messages we send when we tell a spouse to “relax.” For those of us
with conflict-avoidant personalities, anger feels scary. We want to stop it, but
healthy conflict management requires us to acknowledge every emotion. We need to
hear our partner’s honest thoughts without forcing him to speak through our own
comfort filters.

“Spouting off before listening to the facts is both
shameful and foolish.” (Proverbs 18:13)

5. Why are you doing it like
that? 
Nobody likes a chronic micro-manager. These questions are often
addressed to children, but no man wants to feel like a child in his wife’s eyes.
There are more thoughtful ways to help.

“Do you need me to do anything?”
is a much better option. We remove the accusation of failure or judgment and
create an atmosphere of partnership – the foundation of any great marriage.

“He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its
own special work, it helps the other parts grow… healthy… and full of love.”
(Ephesians 4:16)

6. You’re just like your… 
This comment
assures its recipient that his entire family comes from a line of bad seed. It’s
an identity-labeler. You’ll never change. You can’t help yourself. I don’t like
your (Dad) and I don’t like you at the moment. There’s no punishment like
throwing a relative’s sins in the face of a spouse.

In the moment, we
feel justified to point out a pattern, but over time, shame, distance, and
helplessness is fostered, making change and intimacy seem impossible. We may not
always agree with our husband’s decisions, but choices can change. His identity
in Christ never will.

“But to all who believed Him and accepted Him, He
gave the right to become children of God.” (John 1:12)

7. My mom
thinks we should… 
You told your Mom about that? Social women easily
share too much information with friends and family. While it’s helpful to garner
wisdom, our husbands may feel betrayed if we’re not discerning about when and
how it’s done.

Some men have a private nature when it comes to sharing
personal information, due to a responsibility to lead the family. Before taking
our business to the neighbors, we should first go to the relationship that
matters most.

“Her husband has full confidence in her… She brings him
good, not harm, all the days of her life.” (Proverbs 31:11-12)

8. I’m
never getting married again! 
A woman I know shouted this during an
argument. The purpose was to inspire change in her husband, but he heard,
“You’ve single-handedly ruined marriage for me. I’d rather be alone for the rest
of my life than have another marriage as bad as this one.” He felt like a
failure.

We can avoid terminal comments by tackling each problem as it
comes, instead of snowballing them into one giant fear of the future. Occasional
discord is unavoidable, but there’s hope when we remember that we have an enemy,
and it’s not our spouse.

“She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can
laugh at the days to come.”(Proverbs 31:25)

9. If you would just
[fill in the blank] then I would…
“Tit-for-tat” is modern-day
relationship currency. Sadly, commitment is driven by what we get out of
relationships and respect has become something to be earned.

Though it
feels like we need a reason to do the right thing, the Bible says otherwise.
We’re instructed to respond kindly, even to those who treat us poorly. Women
often set the emotional temperature in their homes. We’re called to be
initiators of love, not reactors, and encourage our families to follow
suit.

“We who are strong must be considerate of those who are sensitive
about things like this. We must not please ourselves. We should help others do
what is right and build them up in the Lord.” (Romans 15:1-2)

10. I’m
not “in love” with you anymore. 
It’s a fact that 100 percent of us will
“fall out of love” within a few years of marriage. In the beginning, adrenaline
is responsible for the heart fluttering sensations of a new partner. Dopamine
increases energy. Seratonin keeps love interests on our minds throughout the
day, and ocytocin and vasopressin are responsible for pleasure and bonding.

Excitement subsides after two or so years of contact with the same
person, so we’re in big trouble when we peg our “love” on a physiological
response! It’s not a feeling, but an act of devotion to the one God
gave.

A Prayer for Your Marriage:

Dear Lord, thank you for my marriage. It’s not always
easy, but help us to season every word spoken to your sons with salt. Thank you
for the companionship that we have in our husbands and strengthen us for the
journey together. 

In Jesus’ name we pray, amen.

[written by
Meg Gemelli, a wife and mother of three]