one hot minute of scrolling through social media and you’ll find it. Someone is
offended or being offensive. They spew words of harm or gripe about what someone
else is doing. We live in a polarized society where hot topics are often reduced
to this or that debates and we demand someone else see the error of his or her
ways. There is a tendency to say things in a virtual world we might not say in
the real one. Of course, it’s not just social media either.
We all
wrestle with healthy, productive responses when others don’t think like us, act
us like us, or feel as passionate as we do about something.
what can we do?
We can start by asking a few questions
to promote self-reflection and help us step into growth with God. And if we are
brave, we could ask them of someone trustworthy. Do they see us doing these
things? If they know us well, they will be able to give insight we can’t see on
our own.
1. Am I expecting the other person to do and say what I think
they should do and say?
What others say and do is not in my control, it
is God’s. It’s not my job to get others to live the way I think is right. It’s
not my responsibility to own what other people say, do, or feel. I am
responsible for responding faithfully to God’s work in my life.
I don’t
know about you, but living with offense and grumbling is exhausting! I don’t
want to live that way. I have enough of my own sin to deal with without carrying
the weight of others’ imperfections.
When we are confident in who we are
as image bearers of God, and when we can experience more of the wholeness of
Christ in our lives, we are less likely to be detoured by offenses. Again, it’s
a journey. We start where we are.
2. Do I have unrealistic
expectations for the other person?
Sometimes we put expectations on
others that have no basis in reality. For example, if we expect someone who is
continuously hot-headed to suddenly act calm and kind, we will be disappointed.
Am I expecting something from someone without reason to believe they are
capable, apart from supernatural intervention? Should I consider the behavior I
want to see as a goal to work towards or a finish line I think should be met
already?
3. Am I taking someone’s words and actions as truth about who
I am?
When someone does something hurtful or unkind, what does it say
about me? If I jump to the conclusion that I am horrible person, I may have made
an assumption and attributed intent that wasn’t there. Even if his or her words
are meant to label me as someone I don’t believe I am, or want to be, I can
choose to stand on the truth of who God says I am.
It is important to
note that when someone causes harm, especially on an intentional and/or repeated
basis, we need to reevaluate the relationship. We may need to set boundaries and
limits with how much we engage with them. Though there may be legitimate reasons
for feeling offended, we will need to work on how that offense is dealt with in
our lives. If we don’t, we’ll bear an extra burden of hurt, which could lead to
further harm.
4. How much of God’s forgiveness have I
accepted?
Do I understand the value of God’s forgiveness for my sins?
Without knowing the depth of God’s redemptive work on the cross and what it
means for me, I may struggle to forgive others. When I find God’s redemption
worthy of accepting, I am less likely to be weighed down by
offense.
5. Is there underlying hurt that needs healing?
If I
am feeling offended easily and often, or if I am often weighed down by the way
others act, could this be more about my hurt and less about their actions? I can
ask God to show me where he wants to heal.
I’ve found that the more my
heart heals from past hurts and distorted belief systems, the more I’m able to
tolerate the offensive words and actions of others. It’s a journey with many
steps, and I’m still taking them.
Additionally, Tied to hurt, you’ll
usually find some level of shame. Hurt and shame can stay buried for years. When
they do, their impact multiplies. We can become quick to judge and ruled by
emotion. One of the greatest keys to feeling less offended is working through
the things that cause us hurt and shame.
6. Is there something I did
to contribute to this situation?
I am not without sin or imperfections.
These may get in the way of how I see the whole picture of an offensive
situation. I am willing to hear conviction from the Holy Spirit and respond as
God leads.
Perhaps it would help to think back on a specific incident
when you became angry or hurt because of what someone else said, did, or
neglected to say/do. What about that interaction was offensive? Did you react
defensively or respond in a healthy way?
I tend to furrow my eyebrows,
scrunch my face, and sigh with disgust. Hopefully, I sense the Spirit’s
conviction when this happens so I can catch my attitude before making things
worse. That doesn’t always happen though. I wish it did.
7. Do I value
the other person as a flawed and loved human creation of God?
We are
sinners who sin. Sin is full of offensive and harmful actions and we will
encounter this on a regular basis. Even the truths of God are offensive at times
because they point to areas of our heart not fully surrendered to Him. Any time
we supplement God’s truth for our truth, His truth offends.
Often, we
feel or say, “I’m offended,” when what we really mean is, “I’m hurt by what you
said (or did).” Or, “I don’t agree with what you said (or did).” Another
person’s words and deeds might truly be harmful, but sometimes they
aren’t.
I can remember that other people are flawed, as I am also. God is
the creator all mankind and we are all in need of God’s love.
Friend,
our experiences are valid. They are ours. We must choose to let God help us sort
through them so we are less easily offended and less likely to
offend.
[written by Jolene Underwood]
