like a fine automobile — it can run very smoothly if given the right conditions.
It can function effectively forever. If mistreated and not kept tuned, however,
your marriage is sure to fail.
Fortunately, we have control over how
“tuned” we keep our marriage. We have great ability to remain alert to the
conditions of our marriage and to check in with our mate to ensure they are
satisfied, as well with how the marriage is functioning.
While there are
many necessary ingredients for a loving marriage…
like to focus on today: compassion, consideration and collaboration. Certainly,
you could argue that if you are loving as defined by I Corinthians 13 or exhibit
the fruits of the Spirit you will show compassion, consideration and
collaboration and your marriage will likely thrive.
Let’s examine each
of these a bit more closely and then we’ll explore how you might try these out
in your daily life.
Compassion. Compassion is at the heart of
every meaningful relationship, because when we feel compassion for our mate we
move toward them, caring about their well-being. We attempt to walk in their
shoes, showing empathy and concern for the challenges they face.
Interestingly, there is a compassion paradox: If it’s available whenever
needed, it’s seldom needed. If there is a scarcity of compassion, your mate will
likely develop a deprivation mentality, causing them to seek all they can get
when they can get it. If compassion is absent for long enough, resentment will
occur.
Showing compassion, in my experience, doesn’t necessarily happen
automatically but can be cultivated, much like empathy. Being mindful that
compassion is needed consistently, look for ways to show concern and compassion
for whatever troubles your mate is experiencing. Be on the lookout for
opportunities — and they will arise — to show compassion.
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe
yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience”
(Colossians 3: 12).
Consideration. Consideration (or respect!) is
vital to holding a relationship together. Consideration shows you are being
thoughtful of your mate, attending to them and what they have requested from
you.
When you think about it, really think about it, your mate has
likely told you how to best love them. They have shared with you at one time or
another what they appreciate and what they don’t appreciate. While they may not
have shared as firmly as you’d like, they have given you a lot of information
about how best to love them. Have you considered that information and
implemented it into your relationship?
Far too often we love our mate the
way we want to be loved. We communicate in a way that is natural for us, but not
necessarily effective for them. Take the time to consider who this person to
whom you are married is. What are their unique needs? How have they asked to be
loved?
Collaboration. Collaboration — working together — is
absolutely critical in marriage. Effective collaboration leads to cooperation,
better decision-making, communication and the sharing of values. Working
together leads to a positive feeling of teamwork.
No two people are going to agree on everything, however; marriage is a
blending of two separate people, with differing backgrounds, values and
principles. This is part of what makes marriage so exciting — the blending of
differing perspectives. While initially exciting, these differences can lead to
conflict. You must work together, listening carefully to each other, and then
working together to solve problems.
Resolution of conflict occurs
through the power of collaboration. Scripture says, “Do two walk together unless
they have agreed to do so?” (Amos 3: 3) Healthy couples agree to not only walk
together, but to problem-solve in a way that honors each other’s points of view.
Here are a few additional ideas to help you develop these qualities in
your marriage:
First, resolve to cultivate compassion,
consideration and collaboration. These three traits can be cultivated in your
marriage. It will take focus, intention and determination. Agree with your mate
on this “3 Step Plan” to improve your marriage.
Second, develop a
plan to cultivate these traits in your marriage. Share with each other which
traits are most important to both of you. Then, consider how you might cultivate
these traits. Will you read a book on each topic? Can you listen to podcasts on
the issues? Make a specific plan for cultivating these traits;
Third, measure progress on each quality. Agree to talk weekly
until you have reinforced and strengthened these qualities in your marriage.
Agree to offer feedback to each other, being receptive to hearing how you are
doing at offering these qualities to your mate.
Finally, catch
each other doing them well. It is important to be on high alert for these three
different qualities. Notice when your mate is compassionate towards you. Thank
your mate for making an effort to be considerate. Finally, do your part in
collaborating with them on problems.
[written by Dr. David B.
Hawkins]
