“You’ve got to make time to invest in your marriage.”
If you’re married, it’s likely you’ve heard that phrase at least once.
In fact, I was visiting a good friend recently and we were talking about
our respective marriages when that topic came up.
The
conversation we were having revolved around the idea that people are
constantly telling young married couples to “invest in their marriage”
without explaining what that actually means.
While
it sounds like a noble idea, the concept of “investing in your
marriage” can seem so far away for many couples, particularly during the
first decade of marriage. Think about all that is going on during
those first few years of your marriage. If you’re anything like us, most
likely, you’re raising young children, sleep deprived, worn out from
work, all the while trying to survive financially, make meals, and
somehow keep the house from looking like a hurricane passed through it.
It’s hard to figure out how to find the time or energy to “invest” in one more thing during these busy seasons of life.
As
a professional counselor, I know that offering blanket statements like
telling people to invest in their marriage, can often discourage more
than encourage. So, in a practical sense, what does it actually mean to
invest in your marriage when life is crazy and beyond? Here are a few
bite-sized things to consider doing as a way to invest in your marriage:
Connect Spiritually
One
of the most beautiful aspects of marriage comes with the opportunity to
emotionally and spiritually connect with another human being. Add to
that, the gift of Christian marriage that gives us an opportunity to
connect, not only with one another, but with a holy and almighty God.
Oftentimes, believing couples tend to take their spiritual connection
for granted, forgetting that some of the most intimate moments in
marriage are when we’re sharing our hearts, communicating what’s in our
spirit, and interacting about our relationship with God.
I can
honestly tell you that some of the most intimate times I spend with my
husband are the moments we sit, hand in hand, at the end of the day and
just pray about whatever is going on in our lives. It’s a simple act,
yet has a supernatural outcome. If you’re looking for a really powerful
way of investing in your marriage, consider setting some time aside
weekly or even daily to pray together and share about what God is doing
in each of your lives.
Communicate Regularly
Believe
it or not, the average married couple spends just minutes a day in
active and meaningful communication. It’s also a known fact that
communication gets less and less with each year of marriage. I don’t
know about you, but hearing that saddens me, because there is so much
joy in being able to communicate with your spouse. When it comes to
communicating, it’s important to realize that there are levels of
conversation. Facts are the most superficial level, followed by opinions
and ideas, followed by the deepest level of sharing our feelings and
emotions with one another. That can be uncomfortable for some people,
depending on how they were raised or the kind of communication they’ve
grown accustomed to.
But the truth is, each level of conversation
is important, and has to be deliberately worked into conversation. If
you want to do something small that will have a big impact on your
marriage, set aside 10-20 minutes a day sitting face to face with your
spouse, for the sole purpose of communicating. Don’t let this be the
time to discuss conflict or problems, but just a time to catch up and
keep up with one another. Consider asking open-ended questions like:
What was the best part of your day today? or What’s something I can do
to help you out this week? The goal of this time is to enjoy each other
and encourage one another.
Touch Often
Before we had
children, I remember observing a couple we were friends with who had
children. Between feeding their kids at meal times, and keeping them
entertained and occupied during our fellowship time, I noticed that they
hardly ever had any physical contact with each other. No hand-holding.
No snuggling on the couch. No arms around the shoulder. Fast forward a
few years and a few kids later, and I totally understand the struggle of
trying to connect physically with your spouse, all while being pulled
in a million different directions.
But even during seasons of
life when it’s hard to come by, physical touch is such an important part
of investing in your marriage. Take inventory of your marriage, and
find times (or even schedule times if you have to!) where you can be
deliberate about holding hands, kissing often, making love, or even
doing something as simple as touching your spouse’s back as you pass
them in the kitchen. Physical touch conveys to your spouse that: I
notice you, I desire you, and I want to be near you. Talk about a great
investment!
Confess and Forgive Frequently
As much as
we talk about confession and forgiveness within the church, I believe we
often fail to apply it in the context of our marriages, because let’s
be honest, it’s a hard task! The idea of being vulnerable and sharing
your weaknesses and shortcomings with another person can be a really
hard pill to swallow…which is precisely why God calls us to do it. The
practice of letting down our pride in the act of confession opens the
door for the opportunity to forgive, which is the sacred glue that holds
marriages together.
The couples I see in my practice who are
highly satisfied in marriage, are not the ones who have the least amount
of disagreement, but the ones who have the most forgiveness. God has
forgiven each one of us of so much, and those who live in that freedom
are freed to forgive others. Invest in your marriage by taking the time
to search your heart frequently, being honest with your spouse about the
things you are longing to change and the areas you need to ask for
forgiveness.
“Get Away” Regularly
They say that
couples who “pray together stay together”. But I think it can also be
said that couples who play together, have the most fun! Life can get
busy, and the stress of it all can make us lose sight of the fact that
God wants us to enjoy one another and the life he’s given us. Invest in
your marriage by taking one time a week and setting aside the time to go
out (or stay in if you can’t afford a weekly sitter) and do something
fun! Play a board game on the living room floor, go out for a fun
dinner, take a hike, pack a picnic lunch, or even go on a scenic drive.
The possibilities are endless, and what you’re doing matters so much
less than who you’re doing it with. Rekindle your love for one another,
by rekindling your friendship.
Investing in your marriage often
means doing small things deliberately that will ultimately have a huge
impact. Whether you’ve been married for 5 days, or 50 years, it’s never
too early or too late to start making a difference in your marriage.
[written by Debra Fileta]
